Memories of a day filled with crap …
Earlier this evening, I posted that today was filled with equal parts of happiness and crappiness. Needless to say, I got several messages, directs, and re-tweets from people I know personally and people I only know virtually.
There were several reasons why today was crappy. The primary one was that on this date in 1998, my mother was killed in an automobile accident at the intersection of Hwy 16 and Hwy 46 in Bandera County. At different times during the day, I was drawn into memories of that very strange time thirteen years ago.
I re-experienced feelings of anxiousness as Gina and I wondered why my parents were a couple hours late getting to our house. The phone call that came from the hospital letting me know that Dad was airlifted and in Intensive Care was a blessing and a curse. On one hand we knew that Dad was alive. On the other, we knew nothing about the whereabouts or condition of Ma.
The 35 mile drive to the hospital seemed like it took 35 hours. When we arrived, we were asked to wait in a private room. We knew what was in store for us when we saw a Texas Highway Patrol officer enter the room. What a magnificent gentleman was he. How touched I was when he removed his hat and placed it over his heart to inform me that Ma had died. He spoke with such warmth, caring, and love.
Seeing Dad that night lying in the ICU was the first time I ever saw him look weak. The only words that came out of his mouth were “I killed your mother”. His old school silent generation personality made him feel that way since he was the driver of their truck. Even though he was never at fault, he was supposed to protect his wife … but he failed. At least in his mind. He had a very lost look in his eyes. One that has never left him to this day.
Remembrances of dealing with concerned friends and family members, funeral homes, insurance companies, lawyers, doctors, priests,and others have pretty much become less of a memory and more of a blur. Our bodies were operating on adrenaline and cigarettes, not much more. We had a few issues with family members which is pretty typical during a funeral. It made me realize then that there will be times in your life that friends will rise up when family members fail you.
I had absolutely no intentions of writing anything this evening, but about an hour ago I came across a black spiral notebook that contained notes and thoughts from that time thirteen years ago. I guess that spiral notebook was my 1998 version of this Tumblr blog.
Looking back I can only say “we miss you Ma”. Gina and I often laugh of your crazy escapades and enjoy memories of your spirit. I wish Cati had the chance to get to know you. You were so proud to have a granddaughter that you could live by and be close to. You would be so proud of the way she has become a beautiful and vibrant young lady.
Yes, that day was filled with memories I’d like to erase. But there is not a way to do so. The memories of that day are one more passage in life that must be endured. The memories of that day were caused by one split second decision made by a total stranger. It makes me realize how precious life is. It makes me appreciative that I tell those who are most important in my life that they are loved. I feel better knowing that I am the one who loves them.
